The stuff no one talks about

Why is it that infertility is so taboo to talk about?  It seems like the second you tell someone “we’re trying, but it’s not as simple as you think”, they squirm a little in their seat, become noticeably red in the face and don’t have much to say.  Meanwhile, I politely sit there, many times draining my second or third glass of wine, finding myself comforting them more than they are comforting me.  “It’s ok, it will happen for us when it’s the right time”.  Bullshit.  Even I don’t believe that.  But, it often times makes them feel better so I continue with the small talk and pour myself another.

I never thought I would be one faced with infertility.  To tell you the truth, I knew very little about infertility.  When I was in my early 20’s, I was single, living in downtown Chicago and attending graduate school.  My biggest daily worry was balancing my marathon training with my classwork.  Now, almost 10 years later, not a day goes by where I don’t think about my lack of bearing children.  I blame that partly on the vigorous fertility treatment plan I’m on and then partly on my own anxieties.  Once you decide you want to have a child, it’s rather hard to “go back”.

A little background.  I am 29 1/2, happily married to my husband, Gabriel, and living in Missoula, MT.  I was born and raised in a nice Jewish suburb of Detroit, went to undergraduate at Indiana University and then moved to Chicago to get my Master’s Degree.  Mid-way thru my graduate program, I met Gabriel and we dated, blissfully, for 4 years prior to getting engaged.  Gabriel is from Montana and had always wanted to move back and after 5 years, I willing obliged.  We have now lived here for 2 years, just bought our first home and have been enjoying the amazing adventurous lifestyle that only living in the middle of the Rocky Mountains could give us.

So, why a blog?  Well, it’s been 1 1/2 years since Gabriel and I decided we wanted to start trying for a baby.  And, for the entire 1 1/2 years, I have felt guilty and embarrassed to talk about my troubles.  Not sure why though? Maybe out of fear of outcasting us from friends, maybe uncomfortable with the idea of embarrassing my family or maybe just because it sucks to be the person “with something wrong”.  But, I wasn’t doing myself any favors.  Trying to get pregnant SUCKS and having to go through it alone sucks even more.  I feel like I’m part of this secret group of women, bonding only over the fact that we are all up at 3am, typing into the google search box “chance of being pregnant even when you have your period”.   The sad part is, we type that into the search box, with the hope that we’ll find a success story, from an anonymous writer in another random message board, hinting to the insomnia-ridden childless 20-30somethings that there may be a chance for all of us.  And that is all that connects us.  We know each other only by the stories we tell, some sad, some hopeful, but nonetheless, anxiety-ridden.  All we want is to be pregnant.  To be a mom.  To have a reason to blame any weight gain on a pregnancy.

So, welcome to my/our journey.  Some days it is painful, some days it is outright funny.  Regardless, it’s been a crazy ride and I hope that someone who has been on a similar roller coaster can relate.

1 thought on “The stuff no one talks about

  1. Melis – I’m amazed – let me say it again AMAZED by your writing. I found myself reaing the whole thing from top to bottom and just stepping back and thinking how AMAZING this blog is and how your writing is so open and honest. Hopefully over the next few weeks we’ll find some time for us to catch up -I miss you. Talk to you soon. (by the way so the pictures of you in the sukkah – you look fantastic – your hair is super cute too 🙂 ) I don’t know what you’re talking about when you said you gained wait – you look great.

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